We Interrupt This Blog For A Bout Of High Scanxiety

 

What Is Scanxiety?

As a cancer survivor myself, once my treatment was over, I'm supposed to get a scan every three to six months. Getting these scans, to a cancer patient is very, very worrisome. It produces a lot of stress and anxiety in their life, thus the combo of the two words 'scan' and 'anxiety': SCANXIETY, to reflect the massive stress a cancer patient may be feeling. Needless to say, I had my first scan yesterday (ultra sound) and true to my depressing life, the radiologist saw something he didn't like. He (and my breast surgeon) ordered me to undergo a biopsy next week thus starting my new journey onto the world of scanxiety.

A million questions, like the ones pictured above, are going through my brain right now. At first I thought the biopsy request was just so typical of my down-on-my-luck lifestyle. Then came anger. Then came acceptance and now I am currently in a state of depression. I feel so typical. I keep asking myself "what in the world were they trying to accomplish over the past year because obviously they didn't succeed?"

The radiologist discovered one of the lymph node modules in my left armpit (where several lymph nodes were removed last June during my lumpectomy, one of which was cancerous) to have a slightly thickened wall. This may be due to swelling from the radiation, a reaction to an infection, or....as you guessed it....the return of breast cancer in my left breast area. Son of a gun! I'm furious. What was it all for? After all I've been through this past year, it appears to me that all the drugs, medicines, chemo, surgery, several blood transfusions, radiation, physical therapy was for naught.

Oh well. Other than suffer till Monday morning, I am going to have a rough weekend. I'm trying to smile but I am so depressed I can't move myself off of my couch nor do I want to eat, clean up the kitchen or bathroom or even brush my teeth. I cancelled an appointment I made for a haircut next week. What's the point of cutting this mop atop my head and styled if I have to go back on chemo and lose all my hair again? I also was scheduled to have my port removed this morning BUT my breast surgeon cancelled that appointment pronto. I may still need my port for future infusions.

I'm also very disappointed in God. I thought for sure He was going to protect me and give me a clean bill of health. I really thought it was going to be smooth sailing going forward. That my life would return to 'normal'. That I'd be doing the things I loved once again (like traveling in my RV) my tiredness would go away finally and vigor would once again rule my body. I thought God was my best, best friend. I thought He was my true buddy and was going to protect me from harm. 

Maybe He is. Maybe this is just a test. And maybe........well........just maybe.........